strongandsoft:

we’re 6 months into 2018 and it’s still january

i really do not feel okay. i have no appetite and ive hardly eaten over the past 2 days. i hung out with my ex boyfriend for the first time, just us two the other day. he didnt do anything wrong but it made me feel so alone. he slept on the floor and i took his bed, but the feeling of not being comfortable resting mt legs on someone i used to be best friends with, really just snapped something in my head. it made me not want to let people close to me because in an instant they can can be torn away and every part of me i let open to them is left vulnerable. i dont want to let anyone in again but i hate feeling so alone. i just want to be able to just go over to watch movies and cuddle with someone i trust and love but there really is no one. i miss what i had with him, everytime i think about our old relationship it kills me and it always will. the person he is, is the exact thing i want in a person and i hate myself for fucking it up. i didnt want to open up to anyone again in case there was the slightest chance i didnt have to and our time line will match up again i would take it. i hate how i dont trust anyone, cheating is so common and lying is so easy, when you’ve known someone since highschool, you really get to know them and how true their morals are. he would’ve never hurt me like that and he didnt. someone with good intentions is so hard to find and the fact i might never find someone like that again, combined with the perfect personality is what scares me the most and i think thats why its so hard for me to fully let go